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SEQUENTIAL CULTURE #17 9 Sept 03 |
Reviews Out of Time, Part 3 |
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JULIAN DARIUS |
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Greetings,
True Believers! Welcome to the third
installment of my continuing attempt to enlighten you about the weird comics
I’m discovering down at Clark’s Drugs!
And, man, have I got a weird one for you this time! It’s
been a while since you last heard from me.
Why? Well, first we were all
snowed in. Then I got drunk. And by drunk I mean six months drunk. There’s not a lot else to do in Clark’s
Ridge, Wisconsin, even though I’m not complaining. All you have to do to recognize that there is a God and that he
loves us is to look out at those unadorned plains, barren with ice-covered
grass and dead trees, where the wind rips through and cuts you like a million
daggers. God’s country. I
even made a trip to Harper’s Point, although its comics really surprised
me. All of them are totally different
from the ones at Clark’s Drugs, my preferred comics hook-up in Clark’s
Ridge. There in the big city, the
comics are slick, glossy productions.
They sit in magazine racks at various stores rather than piled twenty
deep in the spinner racks at Clark’s Drugs, and the comics in Clark’s Ridge
are a lot less dusty. The art’s
sloppy but covered in tons of colors -- you have to see it to believe it. But they’re soulless, soulless. They have half-naked women on the cover of
every other issue! Lest the more
indulgent among you rush out to Harper’s Point, I warn you: there’s also a lot of violence in some of
them. I’m thinking that these comics
are local productions, reflecting different values of city life. I’ll stick to Clark’s Drugs, thank you. |
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Someone named John complains that my reviews aren’t timely
enough. |
I
was mailed a bunch of letters from you readers, and I’ve got say that, once
again, some of it was a little confusing.
Someone named John complains that my reviews aren’t timely
enough. You can tell how unreasonable
he is by the way he exaggerates, saying these comics are “about forty years
old.” Well, John, I invite you down
to the world-class sandwich counter at Clark’s Drugs, where you’ll find in
the corner those dusty, forgotten spinner racks that only I seem to
browse. Then, mister, if you’ve got a
dime, you can get a comic for yourself.
Your sarcasm doesn’t help any:
I know they’re not new, but I’m getting these reviews out to you as fast
as I can. Take, for example, Amazing
Spider-Man #1 (reviewed below).
It’s dated March, and I’m reviewing it in now in November. That’s eight months, mister, not years. |
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Some dame named Nancy writes to say that I’m racist. Well, I’ll have you know that Clark’s
Ridge has its own family of negros, and we treat them just fine. |
Also,
some dame named Nancy writes to say that I’m racist. Well, I don’t know how you’d get that from
my reviews, but I’ll have you know that Clark’s Ridge has its own family of
negros, and we treat them just fine.
All you have to do to know how dumb racism is is to see how nicely Mr.
Washington sits by himself at the end of the lunch counter, never bothering
anyone and speaking only to order politely. And he’s a hard worker too, breaking his back all the time
shoveling dirt and snow for the city.
No, we’ve got no problem with blacks. Well,
now that we’ve settled that... Amazing Spider-Man #1 That
nerd Peter Parker is at it again.
Whining, I mean. And
contemplating crime. This
time, when his Aunt May needs money to pay the rent, Parker contemplates a
life of crime as Spider-Man -- only to decide instead upon performing for
money. Then, as watch Spider-man
perform -- as if we don’t get it -- both a caption and a thought
balloon explains how Peter Parker can’t be in the audience watching
Spider-Man perform. Anyway, the
promoter cuts Spider-Man a check in the name of Spider-Man -- so he can’t
cash it! Somehow,
this kid who was contemplating a life of crime a moment ago just accepts this
and doesn’t threaten, let alone beat up, either the promoter or the bank
teller who won’t cash the check. I
don’t know why Spider-Man bothers to show up for the second performance,
since he can’t get paid, but he does -- only to find out that it’s been
cancelled in the wake of J. Jonah Jameson, some newspaper publisher,
denouncing Spider-Man’s illegality as a bad influence on kids. Jameson seems motivated by his own kid,
one John Jameson, a test pilot. Peter
Parker, the ultimate self-indulgent super-hero, whines about how other
super-heroes don’t get complained about.
And when he pathetically spots Aunt May pawning her jewelry, he
commits himself to making money, even if it means a life of crime. This
“hero” seems constantly pulled between doing good and being a criminal. The lessons of his Uncle Ben dying seem
all but forgotten. So much for me
worrying, after Amazing Fantasy #15, that Spider-Man would stay
mopping for long. This temptation
towards crime and money seems like it will be a major feature of the series,
at least until Peter Parker gives in.
And, make no mistake, it’s a matter of time. |
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It’s good to know that if there’s a problem with a space mission in
our atmosphere, our government has a rescue plan so that no one dies! |
Anyway,
Peter Parker next attends the take-off of John Jameson on a flight to orbit
the Earth. The control crew nicely allow
father J. Jonah into the control room to listen as the flight goes awry. Man, our government is advanced: they have the telemetry to set up a giant
steel net, lifted by a hot air balloon, to catch the space pod as it speeds
through our atmosphere! Wow, that
must take some calculations. It’s
good to know that if there’s a problem with a space mission in our
atmosphere, our government has a rescue plan so that no one dies! They
must have some kind of super-helium to get that balloon up there so quickly,
but I do have a couple complaints.
First, how would a floating steel net little bigger than the capsule
stop that capsule? I mean, there’s
nothing holding the net in place but a hot air balloon: wouldn’t the capsule just cruise on
through it at high velocity? Second,
even if the net worked, how exactly do they expect John not to be killed when
his pod slams at shocking speed into a steel net? They even admit that this plan might destroy the capsule, so
how would the pilot possibly survive?
Third, this whole scheme is just shown in a single panel in which the
capsule speeds past the net. Doesn’t
this seem a bit rushed? Oh well,
that’s the Marvel way, I guess. Cue
Spider-Man, who grandstands a bit in the control room like the jerky,
praise-crazed teenager that he is before bothering to actually help the
capsule. Spider-Man steals a military
plane and coerces its pilot, though we’re conveniently not shown much of this
act of mayhem as it might undermine our sympathy for our pseudo-hero. It’s all done with a caption and a single
panel in which the plane is already taking off. |
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Spider-Man’s ridiculous plan is to stand on the plane as it flies
-- how he’s not blown off, we’ll never know -- and shoot the capsule as it
speeds by. Anyone who’s seen a dog
shake a rat to snap its neck will wonder how Spider-Man isn’t instantly
killed as the capsule suddenly snaps him away at, say, 20,000 miles per hour. |
Spider-Man’s
ridiculous plan is to stand on the plane as it flies -- how he’s not blown
off, we’ll never know -- and shoot a web at the capsule as it speeds by. Anyone who’s seen a dog shake a rat to
snap its neck will wonder how Spider-Man isn’t instantly killed as the
capsule suddenly snaps him away at, say, 20,000 miles per hour. But, you know, the guys who make this are
in New York City, so they’ve probably never seen a dog or a rat. Somehow,
fighting “wind resistance,” Spider-Man pulls himself up the line and makes it
to the capsule. Uh... right. Wind resistance like enough to skin an
elephant. Anyway, Spider-Man helps
fix the chute mechanism from the outside and pilot John activates it, letting
the capsule land peacefully by parachute.
Though he clearly likes grandstanding, Spider-Man runs off to avoid
being “embarrassed” when people congratulate him. Only,
J. Jonah Jameson denounces Spider-Man instead of praising him! He ridiculously blames Spider-Man for
sabotaging the flight, even though the government can’t be happy about this
implicit attack upon its security measures.
But Jameson rightly points out how Spider-Man broke into a military
base, attacked a soldier, and stole a plane.
Whatever you think of his mostly ridiculous charges, the F.B.I. soon
issues a wanted poster for Spider-Man (based solely on Jameson’s word!), and
even Aunt May gets caught up in anti-Spiderism. In
response, what does Spider-Man do?
Again contemplate a life of crime. |
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If you want something to whine about, Petey, try crouching in the
Vietnamese jungle for eight hours during a firefight. |
Let’s
hope he gets to it quickly enough.
The attacks by Jameson are interesting, though I doubt they’ll
continue in the feature; the idea that anyone would listen to this raving
lunatic is just too strained.
Jameson’s attacks only enhance Peter Parker the victim, the whiny
teenager who’s so stupid that he doesn’t just go back to his lucrative TV
appearances in Amazing Fantasy #15.
And this gets old quickly. Not
to mention that it’s offensive while our boys are suffering in Vietnam. If you want something to whine about,
Petey, try crouching in the Vietnamese jungle for eight hours during a
firefight. But
don’t worry. You’ll learn. Hit 18 and you’re drafted. Then whiny Spider-Man grows up and starts
webbing up those gooks. Anyway,
that story’s just the first 14 pages.
Next comes a 10-page story starring the Fantastic Four -- who also
appear on the cover! Only
it’s also a bit of a disappointment.
Spider-Man gets it into his head to join the Fantastic Four. And why?
To make money. I can
see where this is going. Another
failure to rake in cash, Spider-Man’s sole motivation as he watches his Aunt
May all but starving. A few more
failures and he’ll turn to crime at last. For
a nerd, this Parker kid sure is stupid.
I mean, to join the Fantastic Four he breaks into the Baxter
Building. Cue gratuitous fight, in
what may well become a Marvel trademark:
unable to come up with interesting villains (Remember Mole Man? Well, Spider-Man doesn’t even have a
fucking Mole Man yet.), the heroes have a misunderstanding that lets them
fight each other. |
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Our noble Spider-Man finally explains his desires, quickly
adding: “So now, let’s get down to
business... how much does the job pay? I figure I’m worth your top salary!” |
Anyway,
our noble Spider-Man finally explains his desires, quickly adding: “So now, let’s get down to business... how
much does the job pay? I
figure I’m worth your top salary!” After
pointing out they don’t make money, the Fantastic Four -- just after pointing
out that their job is to stop crime -- remember that Spider-Man is a criminal. Cue Spider-Man’s hasty exit. Which
raises the question: why doesn’t the
Fantastic Four hunt Spider-Man down?
I mean, Spider-Man might not be guilty, but just about any criminal
might not be guilty. Isn’t Spider-Man
the super-powered criminal exactly the kind of guy the Fantastic Four go
after? Anyway,
the story awkwardly moves to the Chameleon, whose undistinguished face looks
suspiciously like an artist’s uncolored sketchy outline of a head. Using his power to disguise himself, he
steals plans from a defense installation in order to sell them to the
Reds! Then, mysteriously and
unnecessarily eager to frame Spider-Man, the Chameleon somehow knows how to
broadcast on frequencies that only Spider-Man with his powers can hear -- all
the more puzzling because this Superman-esque power has never been seen
before. Chameleon’s
broadcast promises money, as the Chameleon has reasoned that, as a wanted
criminal, Spider-Man isn’t able to work and must be starving for money -- a
bit of rushed, strained reasoning. It
apparently doesn’t occur to the Chameleon that Spider-Man might just have a secret
identity. Hearing the broadcast
promising cash if he arrives at a particular location at a particular time,
Spider-Man immediately complies, thinking “I can’t afford to pass up a chance
for profit!” “Uh,
Spider-Man. This is on a closed
frequency. Come to Clark’s Ridge and
beat Mike Garriga within an inch of his life. There’s money in it for you, Petey... Just think of Aunt May. The old lady’ll be pawning her own body
parts next. Come to Clark’s Ridge. Beat up my old high school bullies. Profit, Peter, profit!” Of
course, by the time Spider-Man has arrived, the Chameleon has just stolen
plans in the guise of Spider-Man and escaped from just the place Spider-Man
has been told to arrive. It’s a good
thing Spider-Man didn’t arrive a minute early, as the whole plot would have
gone awry. So, yet again, Spider-Man
plays the victim. Figuring the plane
he just saw leaving contained the real burglar, Spider-Man chases the
Chameleon to the sea, where Spider-Man steals a motorboat to
follow. Breaking up a rendezvous
between the Chameleon and a Russkie submarine, Spider-Man quickly captures the
villain in his helicopter. Forcing
the Chameleon to fly back between panels, Spider-Man returns the plans and
turns over their thief -- who promptly escapes, having apparently waited the
whole helicopter ride to do so. When
the Chameleon disguises himself as a cop, Spider-Man’s attack on that cop
leads the other cops to attack the criminal Spider-Man. Though Spider-Man escapes, the Chameleon
-- his suit ripped in the scuffle with Spider-Man -- is still caught after
the web-slinger leaves. |
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This only leaves us to watch a whiny Spider-Man crying in the
streets, pitying himself for ever acquiring his powers. |
This
only leaves us to watch a whiny Spider-Man crying in the streets, pitying
himself for ever acquiring his powers, and to watch the Fantastic four
contemplating what will happen if -- or when -- Spider-Man turns
against the law. We can only imagine
the slew of complaints Marvel will receive when readers figure out that their
favorite characters, the Fantastic Four, who appear so prominently on the
cover, only appear for about three pages in the whole issue. And we can only imagine Spider-Man’s
reaction, if he cries at this, when he starts hauling equipment through
Vietnamese tall grass that’s sharp enough to cut you. But there’s still more. As if unaware of the insult delivered to readers with the Fantastic Four on the cover, the last page has Spider-Man delivering a personal message to the reader, asking for letters! We can only imagine the deluge of insults the title will receive. But the page offers a bit of phony nostalgia, because Spider-Man tells readers to pick up the second issue, “on sale the beginning of February, 1963.” This false dating only adds to the irony of the message itself: the money-obsessed criminal Spider-Man calls upon readers to buy his comics. We
can only imagine that Spider-Man must get a cut. |
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I give this title six issues at the
absolute most before Spider-Man turns to the life of crime we’ve been so
consistently promised. That ought to
be good for a while, at least until our whiny hero gets drafted and gets
something to really be self-indulgent about. |
I
give this title six issues at the absolute most before Spider-Man turns to
the life of crime we’ve been so consistently promised. That ought to be good for a while, at
least until our whiny hero gets drafted and gets something to really be
self-indulgent about.
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Read every Sequential Culture on
Sequart.com! Read about the author on our About page. Julian Darius can be reached at julian@sequart.com. Discuss this column online on Sequart.com’s messageboards. |
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